Akkam’s Razor

Bet that title got your attention.

I've been really impressed by the fact that Tara was so personal in her posts…that's really what blogging is supposed to be about, not the drunken barstool rantings that I usually write about.  So I'm going to do something a little different, and speak from the crotch, channeling equal parts of Dave Barry and Hunter S. Thompson.

Some people are a little squirrely when it comes to vasectomies, but not me.  As soon as Baby #2 comes out, I'll promptly start planning on getting fixed.

Men are notoriously protective of their nether-regions - which is probably why you see rappers craddling their junk and undercarriage every waking minute.  I have a simple theory why men are so
cock-centric - "circumcision".  

Think about it, you just plopped out of your mother, someone just smacked your ass, you just took your first breath, you're crying & screaming your head off, and how is a young man welcomed to the world?  What's his first visceral experience, his first encounter with pain, the single moment that will alter his experience from that moment forward?

They cut off the tip of your dick. (Actually, it's just a flap of skin.)  But traumatic nonetheless.  No real surprise that our lives revolve around our genitals.

So, without further ado, here's why I'm looking forward to going under the knife:

Condoms suck.  The lights are down low.  The music's on.  The candles are lit.  Your nibbling on ears, necks, and navels.  She moans in you ear, "I want you, stick it in."  You say, "hold on a minute", and disappear into the bathroom for 5-minutes.

Although that millimeter of latex may "prolong her pleasure" by 15-seconds or so, the three-to-five minutes you'll struggle to put one on will certainly kill the mood.

I'm done at 2.  Seriously.  If I have another girl, I'm not going to keep going until I have a boy.  For starters, I'm a little selfish - do I really want my own basketball team, and have to run each and
every one of them to their various sports, tumbling, and play dates?  Besides, it costs $14k to raise a kid per year, and you get what, a $500 deduction on your taxes?  I can't afford to have more than two!

Angelina Jolie is taken (ie. There's no one worth impregnating).  One of my student workers, a Puerto-Rican guy from NYC cautioned me not to do it, because of "Dude, What if something happens?" Well, first, why cheat, and if you did, why knock her up?  And if you leave, why start another family.  Ditto if your spouse leaves or if you become a widower.  I have one kid, and another on the way. If "something were to happen", how many more kids do I need?

Returning to spontaneity, and "climbing back on the bike." (Because "climbing back on the horse" is an unkind metaphor).  Having kids in such a relatively short timeframe (C was conceived in 7/2003, born in 1/2004 and this one was conceived in 7/2005 to be delivered in 3/2006, so basically KAB's been pregnant for the last three years).  On top of that, most of 2002-2003 was spent trying to make C.  It was tough for all involved parties.

There is probably only one other person on here who understands this, but giving your spouse needles in the stomach, jerking off to 1980s porn on the third floor at the fertility clinic, hearing about the abnormalities, motility, and mortality of your sperm on a regular basis, discussion of the thickness of cervical muccus and vaginal temperature, as well as phone calls from the doctor telling you that now is a good time to "have relations" takes a little bit out of the spontaneity of "getting it on". 

Before the hard work of making these kids, things used to be spontaneous and fun.  While making them, it was frustrating, disappointing (when things didn't work out), and difficult work. 

It's kind of silly thinking that juggling a newborn and a toddler would correspond to returning to the "good old days", but maybe the sneaking around and creative uses of time can make things feel like they used to?